Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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