Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
