The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
