he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
