Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
sarcasm needs its own font
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
