i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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