The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
