bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
