I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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