remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
