and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
