First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize