i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
