youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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