I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
