They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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