Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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