Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
