I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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