If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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