I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
