Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Randomize
