I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
