You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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