We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
