Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
