I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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