omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
