just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
