I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
