Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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