Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
