woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
