My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
