So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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