i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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