Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
