Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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