I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
