i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
