Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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