She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
