Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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