What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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