I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
