Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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