My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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