I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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