I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
