Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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