I can feel you judging me through the phone.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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