You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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