too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
