Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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