Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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