I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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