I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
