i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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