I'm lost and stupid without you.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize