two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
