I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
