I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
