You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
