So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
