Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
