Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
