question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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