I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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