if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
