I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize