The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Randomize
