im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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