Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
