i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
