Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
