I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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