tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
