The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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