Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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