"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize